


Even If We Can't Find Heaven

by Dresupi



Series: Wintershock Fics [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Has PTSD, F/M, Feels, Fluff and Angst, Kissing, Mutual Pining, One Shot, Pining, Requited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-09
Updated: 2016-02-09
Packaged: 2018-08-16 18:41:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8113210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dresupi/pseuds/Dresupi
Summary: “I just…don’t think you know what you’re…what this does to me…” he looked down to where their legs touched.  “It’s been a long time and—“  “Since what?  I’m just trying to hold your hand, Buck.”  “I don’t want to just hold your hand…” Jesus, his voice sounded whiny even to him.    “So don’t just hold my hand…"





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [KittyWings01](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=KittyWings01).



> Tumblr user Kittywings01 prompted: "Pairing Author's Choice: "Stand By You", especially this line: Even if we're breaking down, we can find a way to break through Even if we can't find heaven, I'll walk through hell with you."
> 
> Okay, so this isn’t implicitly a VALENTINE’S theme, but I definitely used this song. Omg. There be feels ahead. Just letting you know. The feels-monster needs your tears. They nourish the feels-monster.

She needed to know.  He had to tell her.

He gripped his knees to keep from shaking.  Darcy was so close and he… _wanted_. Goddamn, he wanted more than anything to just touch her.  It had been so long since anyone touched him the way she touched him.  Didn’t she realize what she was doing?  Probably not.  

Probably didn’t even know what it felt like to him.  The way she’d squeeze his shoulder, grab his hand, rest her leg against him.  

He was a starving man and she was dangling a steak in front of him.  Allowing him to take small nibbles and bites when what he wanted was to devour the whole damn thing.

God…she wasn’t a steak, though.  Not a piece of meat.  No, she was a woman.  A real live woman, with a beautiful soul who didn’t deserve all the shit that came with him. Didn’t deserve to get dirtied up by the likes of him.  

“Buck, you okay?  You having another flashback?” she whispered the last part, like she didn’t want to trigger him or something.  Like the mere mention of a flashback would cause him to have one.  Fuck, this wasn’t a flashback, it was just…him being terrible and wanting something he couldn’t have.  What he shouldn’t have.  

She deserved so much better than him.  

“Darce…” he ground out, “I just need some space…” he glanced down at her hand on his, unsure of when she put it there, only knowing he didn’t want her to move it, no matter what he told her.    

Her mouth fell open, eyebrows shot up.  Oh fuck, and he’d said it wrong.  He’d hurt her feelings.  

“Sorry…” she scooted back away from him, taking her hand with her.  

“No…Darce…it’s not that…” he reached for her, but stopped himself. He reached on impulse, he wasn’t able to control it.  And that scared him just a little.  That his impulse was to reach for her.  “I just…this isn’t what you deserve, and I’m sorry.”  

She frowned, hesitating before scooting back down closer to him.  “What isn’t?”  

He shook his head; he’d already said too much.  

“I just…don’t think you know what you’re…what this does to me…” he looked down to where their legs touched.  “It’s been a long time and—“  

“Since what?  I’m just trying to hold your hand, Buck.”  

“I don’t want to just hold your hand…” Jesus, his voice sounded whiney even to him.    

“So don’t just hold my hand…do what you—“  

He shook his head, “I’m gonna stop you right there, Doll…I don’t think you know what you’re agreeing to…“

“I know EXACTLY what I’m agreeing to.  What do you need, Bucky?”  

His jaw trembled because he was scared to tell her.  

“You…” he blurted.  “You, I need you…need your skin…your hands…your lips…I wanna smell your hair, you smell so nice, Darcy.  So…real…you’re real, aren’t you? You’re really here, aren’t you, Darce?”

He wouldn’t put it past his Hydra handlers to fabricate her…falsify a memory of some unfortunate woman he’d seen on the subway or something.  He hadn’t realized his head was in her lap until her hands were in his hair.  

“Buck…I’m here. Okay?  I’m real.  Want me to pinch you or something?” she huffed out nervous laughter.  

He shook his head, sitting up again, wiping the tears from his cheeks.  Tears that burned his eyes.  “I’m a mess, Sweetheart…”  

“Who isn’t?” she countered. “I’m in no way trying to trivialize anything that happened to you, because even in SHIELD field report jargon…it’s hellish…but if you need…what you said you needed…then I’m going to tell you that the door is wide open, Barnes. Wide fucking open.  Just walk through it…” she set her jaw, “If you need to talk, or…” she paused, “Anything else…” the look she gave him could melt ice, her meaning very implicit.  “Just…tell me, okay?  You’re not alone.  Not anymore.”

He swallowed thickly, his mouth suddenly dry, his tongue too big.  

“And you know me, I have a big mouth.  I never fucking shut up.  If you do something I don’t like…you’ll hear about it.  Believe me…and I know what I’m saying here.  I know what I’m giving you, so don’t think that I don’t.  I care about you.  I want you to feel better…if not better, than at least good sometimes. And…it’s not just a one way street.  I’ve got good reason to…make an offer…” the corner of her mouth pulled upward, almost a smirk, but not quite.    

“I can’t give you what you deserve…” he heard himself say, felt his body being pulled towards her.  

“What do I deserve?”

“A nice guy…a good man…”

“I don’t want to live in a world where James Buchanan Barnes isn’t a nice guy, a good man.”  

“He _was_.  But—“  

“He IS…he’s had a fucked up life.  But he’s still a good guy…”  

He sighed, his heart beating wildly in his chest.  “I wanna take what you’re offering, Darcy…give you everything in return…but I’m not a whole person any more…I’m just…pieces…” He glanced down at his metal arm.  The most obvious meaning, but it went deeper than that.  

“Just give me what you can…and—“  

Her hand was covering his again.  Lightly, so he could move it if he wanted.  He slowly flipped his palm over so it was facing hers, shivering as their fingertips touched.  

He’d give her everything he possibly could.  

He laced their fingers, tugging on her hand so she turned towards him.  He leaned over, metal arm reaching for her, carding through her hair lightly as her hands slid up his chest, gripping the collar of his shirt, thumbs brushing against the sides of his throat, which made needy sounds rumble from deep inside him.  His flesh hand was on her chin, finger tips ghosting over her full lips before leaning up and meeting those lips with his.  They parted, allowing him entrance and he moaned into her mouth.  It wasn’t too much at all.  It was just enough. He tugged her closer, till she was practically in his lap and he broke the kiss, trying to catch his breath.

“You’re perfect…” he whispered, nuzzling her nose before kissing her again. “You’re everything…”

“Not quite…” she argued, her hands carding through his hair, pushing it out of his face before kissing the tip of his nose. Jesus Christ, he wanted to make her feel as good as she made him feel.  He’d give anything to know that his kisses were worth half of hers.  

“Close enough…” he murmured.  

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on [tumblr](http://dresupi.tumblr.com/)!


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